Saturday, November 3

The End of Week Quote

The end of week quote this week is a copy of an email complaint and reply sent to Edinbrough Police and copied to us by a reader. The reply from a Police Constable is so very typical. The emails are reproduced on this Blog because the problem is also very common in other locations in the UK. The crux of the matter being that the Police are losing the confidence of the public in ever increasing amounts; though British humour apparently remains firmly in place.

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith policestation to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrierpigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith . Six of them seem happy enough to play a gamewhich involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering clang which ringsthroughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it willend any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has sothoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legsoff then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow uphalf the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda carbefore doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actuallylook like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month headstart before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant ..................


Mr ............

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend anoffer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details(address / telephone number) and when may be

Regards PC.............

Dear PC ...........

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own communitybeat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covertskills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deepunder cover and infiltrated the gang itself?

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these persons that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Leith Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ......... If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.


june said...

Loved it! Many Congratulations to the writer!
Have Leith Police no sense of humour or sense of duty to the public either?

Anonymous said...

Ah so...'The Leith Police dismisseth us'... always wondered where that came from!